And I'm not a fool

I saw my frozen angel again, her icey water tendrils reaching out to me. Her hugs didn't hurt this time because my skin had gotten just as cold as her.

She looked at me and smiled.

She talked to me about something, offered me a ticket out of this world. A painless descent into the afterlife without worries. 

She offered me salvation.

Offered me hope.

Companionship.

A way out of the loop of my lonely, routine life.

Only a fool wouldn't take this opportunity.
And I'm not a fool.

melancholia.

melancholia.

What I wouldn't give for a twisted descent into the afterlife

The frozen water has consumed my life. I've become mesmerized by its constant presence in my house. At points I wondered if this was just my delusion or if others could see it. I stopped worrying when I realized that nobody visits me, so it's not like anyone would discover it.

I'm just alone, with my thoughts and ice.
What I wouldn't give for a twisted descent into the afterlife.

Yet, it's still torturous

After that incident I found myself  awake in front of my former girlfriend's house. I don't know how I got there or how I survived the previous incident but I guess I must've lost time for a second, like some sort of odd disassociation disorder or something.

Apparently I had already rung the bell because she came to the door. I didn't say anything, nothing needed to be said so I just apologized for the inconvenience and left.

I walked home on a river of ice.

I've come to stop questioning my existstance,
and find this madness commonplace.
Yet, it's still torturous.

Because nobody cared about a different

I saw the frozen waterangel again at the mall. This time I'm sure I was awake. She spoke to me, told me her name.

Her name, spoken from her beautiful icey lips was music to my ears at the time. Melancholia, such a delightful name for such a beauty.

She proceeded to hug me, her subzero degree arms burning my skin. It hurt, so much so that I screamed in the middle of the mall.

Melancholia let go of me, which felt like such a relief but I still had cold burns on my body. She planted a kiss on my lips. Her lips felt so soft and wonderful, for about a few nanoseconds until the cold started to settle in. My lips froze and I thought, no I hoped that I would pass out from the pain.

But, I didn't.

She left me there lying on the floor at the mall in agony. The people at the mall walked right past me, looking at me like I was crazy. Even going so far as to telling their children not to look at me.

Why didn't anybody help me? 

Because nobody cared about a different.

Except living

My therapist says I'm under a lot of stress. What stress is he talking about? I work at a convinience store that barely anyone ever visits. I have no social or love life what so ever and watch tv in my spare time. 

How can I be under any kind of stress?
I don't do anything.

Nothing at all.
Except living.

I never really do

i'm not sure what is happening anymore. I was watching TV in the living room when suddenly, the walls began leaking. Like water emerged from the walls and ceiling, filling up the apartment.

I tried to swim for the door, but I couldn't. Some kind of stream kept pulling me towards the other end of the apartment.

Freaked out, I swam as fast as I could towards the door until my muscles were numb and I could only feel pain. 

After a while, all of that went away like nothing had ever happened.

I thought that I'm just starting to have really intense daydream, but it felt so very real and my muscles are still numb.

I don't know. 
I never really do.

It was horrible

I had a dream about the waterangel again, but this time she was frozen. She reached out to me and I tried to take her hand but it hurt me. It was so cold that it hurt my skin. 

"Melancholia" was written in water floating above her  head.

She shattered and all the ice pieces flew into me, killing me instantly. I woke up and wrote it down in my journal. 

I just went to the kitchen and got myself a glass of water and went back to sleep.

For the first time in a while, dreaming of nothing.
It was horrible.

So why care about what your neighbor does?

My mother came to visit me today. I don't remember a lot about what she talked to me about because I was only half paying attention, but it was something along the lines of that I need to go out and do something better with my life. Because she is embarrassed that I work at a convenience store.

If she is so embarrassed with how I live my life, why does she even bother associating with me.  Why doesn't she just stop calling and visiting me. Seriously, it's my coming out all over again. People need to stop caring so much about how I live my life.

The world is empty.
So why care about what your neighbor does?

People just don't get it

I had another weird dream. This time I was in the middle of a room, suddenly everything went cold and I froze. Warm water came from a crack in the floor and I melted. A woman made out of water emerged, her liquid wings spanning across the room.

"The water keeps running. No way to turn it off"

Then she vanished and I woke up. My therapist is concerned about these dreams of mine. He thinks they mean I'm suicidal.

I'm not. I find the world a grey and melancholic wasteland with no real point, but that doesn't automatically mean I wanna die by my own hands or that I really wanna die at all.

People just don't get it.

Why I love sleep

I finally caved and took my medications and shockingly I don't feel any different. My snark aside I suspected that. My "depression" is just me looking realistically at reality. 

I decided that me bitching about life isn't gonna interest anyone. So I thought I'd make this more of a dream journal, because dreams are fun.

My dream from yesterday night was me drowning in a glass of water. I saw my own body sink to the bottom of the glass. Then a bigger version of me picked up the glass and drank the water, swalling the tiny dead me with it.

I find this amusing although a bit disturbing.
Dreams exist outside reality.
It's why I love sleep.

Existing is overrated

It's funny how many people try to be happy, when in reality they are just deluding themselves. No person is truly happy because they never see the outlook on life as it is, an empty wasteland that we stay in to wait for death.

I've never gotten why people try so hard when they all know what it's leading to. It's not some guesswork it's an established fact.

I went to my therapist today. The only reason I really go there anymore is to just relax and talk, its a more socially accepted way of talking to one self.

He kept on pushing that I should go out more, make some friends and take my medication. He also reccomended that I find a significant other.

Like that is going to help, because as we all know depression disappears automatically when you get a significant other. Because depression is always caused by lack of love life.

I wanted to punch him, but it's just not worth it.

Nothing is worth it.
I want to just sleep forever and wake up when death knocks on my door.